Brohomie
by IWriteNaked
Summary: A silly little one shot of texts between everyone's BROTP, Clary and Simon. Climon friendship. Decided to continue it. Now featuring group TMI texts!
1. Watching Simon's Children Die

**I know… I know… This wasn't on my list of (7) one shots, either. I just accidentally wrote it, and it's so pointless. Oops. It's just some random texts between everyone's BROTP, Clary and Simon. It's really ridiculous, but I had fun.**

**Simon is bold****.**

Clary is regular.

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments, but I'm an amazing texter, obviously.  
**

* * *

Fuuuuuuuuck.

**Whaaaaat?**

My life.

**What happened?**

My life.

**What happened to make you so down?**

Fuck happened.

**What was that, exactly?**

My mother is a douche.

**What did she do?**

She became a douche.

**When?**

It all started… when I was born.

**Well, that's not good. Let's turn that frown upside down, and make it a…**

A douche.

**A SMILE. But hey, whatever you're into putting on your face. I don't judge.**

* * *

**Hey, Fray.**

Hey, Lewis.

**I was just looking at that photo you drew for me.**

What a coincidence. I'm eating an apple.

**It's a coincidence that I'm looking at a photo you drew while you're eating an apple? No, it's fate.**

* * *

Clary is going to speak in third person, now.

**Simon doesn't understand why Clary is going to speak in third person.**

Clary thought it would be a good idea, and she is glad to see that her best friend joined in.

**Simon would follow Clary anywhere.**

Clary doesn't know what SMH means, and she briefly wonders if Simon knows the answer to these philosophical life questions.

**Simon doesn't know, but he thinks that Clary should search it on Google and report back to inform the masses.**

Clary has discovered that SMH means shaking my head.

**Simon wonders which person shook their head so often that they needed to create an abbreviation for it.**

Clary doesn't know.

**Clary should come to Simon's house.**

Simon should come to Clary's house, because she is lazy.

**Simon will be there in ten minutes.**

* * *

**Hey, what's up?**

I'm looking for a midget.

**That sounds a bit personal.**

Don't ask if you can't handle it, Brohomie.

* * *

**I got a fohawk.**

Ew. Stay home.

**You don't want me to come to school tomorrow?**

Not with a fohawk.

**Why not? I rock the hawk.**

I'm ready to die.

* * *

**Pop!**

Pop?

**Goes the weasel. You're jealous that you didn't think of that, arentcha?**

Absolutely. So jealous, in fact, that I need to take a shower to wash the jealous residue from my skin. Bye.

**I need a shower, too. I'll text you later.**

* * *

**I'M CLEAN.**

ME TOO. We have so much in common. Let's be friends.

**Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's too soon for that.**

Acquaintances?

**Fair enough.**

* * *

How's it going?

**Eric is kicking me.**

Why?

**I said he couldn't put "loins" in our new song.**

It's a good word.

**Are you on drugs?**

Yes. Massive amounts.

* * *

**Hey! I swear that I know you from somewhere…**

We met at the Gay Pride Parade. You were the one with the Too Gay To Care Committee.

**No! It was at the gay strip club. I was the one running around shirtless, in the assless chaps, screaming "My biscuits are burning!" while holding a tray of rainbow bagels.**

That was Magnus.

**Magnus is my gay lover.**

* * *

**How are you?**

Peachy. You?

**I'm decent…**

The dots take away any illusion of decency that may or may not be occuring.

**Oh…**

* * *

**We got into Rockfest!**

Cool!

**Eric finally wrote a song without "loins"**

Cool!

**Also, my pants are on fire, and I'm pregnant.**

What?

**I was just checking if you were going to keep saying "Cool!"**

* * *

**Fray, you are the greatest friend in the world! I love you with the intensity of 10,000 suns!**

You got the T-shirt I left for you, I see. And I love you with the strength of 10,000 elephants.

**I love you with the swiftness of 10,000 raging rivers.**

I love you with the volume of 10,000 crowds in the 80's, screaming for Tiffany.

* * *

**Izzy is looking fine, today.**

Yes, she's smokin' hot.

**Don't turn into a lesbian. That's already Aline's thing.**

I'm almost an adult. I'll do what I want. Also, don't put your semen in Izzy. Keep it away from her eggs.

**Can I put it in her eyes?**

Why would you do that?

**I want her to see my children as they die.**

* * *

I told Sebastian "I'd tell you to go to hell, but I never want to see you again."

**Sebastian is a cock.**

Agreed.

**I got my nipples pierced.**

I'm proud of you.

**For getting it done?**

For having nipples.

**Oh, thank you.**

You're welcome. It's quite an accomplishment.

**I know. I wake up every morning and ask myself "What can I do to make sure I have nipples today?"**

Well, you're succeeding at having them.

**And it's the thing I'm most proud of in my life.**

I would be, too.

* * *

I've had five cups of coffee in the last hour.

**You need to calm down.**

Calming down would be like doing meth.

Not even once.

* * *

**This is the most pointless thing I have ever written. I'm sitting here like "Why do I exist?"**

**Hope you enjoyed this random drabble of BROTP texts. (I'm updating RA soon, don't yell at me)  
**

**-IWriteNaked.**


	2. Izzy is Being a Pill

**Decided to do more of these, to distract myself from stuff. Group chat with some TMI characters, because I can. This is even stupider than last time... And I'm writing this from my phone, so wish me luck. Never tried to upload from my phone...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments.**

* * *

*commenting on a photo of Alec, Magnus, Izzy and Jace that Alec posted*

Izzy: I like that random kid in the back.

Magnus: He was the real reason for the mphoto.

Izzy: We photographed that kid so hard.

Magnus: That means anal.

Izzy: That doesn't even make sense.

Magnus: It does if the kid is a porn star.

Izzy: He looks a bit young.

Magnus: Kids these days...

Alec: Guys...

Izzy: I tried to keep the peace. I refuse to take the blame for this.

Alec: Nope. Your fault.

Magnus: I don't know who else the blame could fall on.

Izzy: Definitely not the only person who said anything that was demonstrably inappropriate. (I'm looking at you, Magnus)

Magnus: No. Surely, not that guy.

Jace: Penis.

Izzy: Keeping it classy, Jace.

Magnus: That only works when you scream it in public, Jace. Putting it in the comments is not the same.

Jace: Made me laugh.

Magnus: Laughing is usually the result of you putting your penis in things.

Izzy: In all seriousness, we need to find that kid so we can all see a movie. It would be glorious.

Magnus: For us, it would be. But for the poor people trying to enjoy a movie peacefully...

Izzy: Poor Alec. We're blowing up his notifications.

Magnus: Sorry, Alexander!

Jace: I'm not.

Izzy: Neither am I. He asked for this when he posted this picture.

Magnus: Wow, at least I had the decency to lie.

* * *

*Isabelle Lightwood started a group chat with Magnus Bane and Jace Herondale*

Izzy: Yoooooooo!

Jace: GUYS!

Magnus: Yes, dear?

Jace: Don't call me dear, ya freak.

Magnus: I'll call you whatever I want!

Jace: No, you certainly will not.

Magnus: It clearly made you uncomfortable. You know how much I love doing that.

Jace: Shut it, knobby. You don't know things.

Magnus: I know all of the things. Except why Alexander isn't in this group...

*Magnus Bane added Alexander Lightwood*

Magnus: Now he is! Hi Alexander!

Alec: Hi. I'm about to go to bed. Sorry I kissed out on everything.

Alec: Missed, not kissed. Stupid keyboard.

Magnus: The keyboard wants to kiss Alec...

Izzy: Magnus wants to kiss Alec. And he wasn't in the group so that we would stop blowing up his notifications on that photo. So, good job.

Magus: He's part of the group, so he suffers with the group.

Jace: Where's Clary, then?

*Jace Herondale added Clary Fray*

Jace: Hey, Clary!

Clary: ... What is this?

Magnus: I pissed in a Gatorade bottle this morning, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I poured the urine out the window.

Magnus: Oh, hey Clary...

Izzy: Gross.

Clary: ... Why am I here?

Jace: The group suffers together.

*Isabelle Lightwood added Simon Lewis*

Izzy: We're all here, now.

Simon: What's happening?

Clary: I have no idea.

Magnus: Is anyone else taking a shit right now?

Izzy: Hahahaha. No, I'm lying in bed.

Jace: Same.

Clary: Me too.

Simon: ^^

Alec: Uh, yeah... So am I... In bed.

Magnus: That's convincing.

Clary: He's either pooping too, or doing something unmentionable in bed...

Jace: Spanking the monkey, Alec?

Simon: Jerking it with tweezers?

Alec: No. Five chicks. Got help.

Clary: Five pics of Magnus*

Izzy: Do they all have their own tweezers, or are they sharing?

Simon: Hahahahahaha... Haha... Ha...

Jace: Simon, why are you still here? Don't have have octopus porn to watch?

Simon: ... Oh, right. Let me get back to that.

Izzy: I love you, Simon. XD

Simon: You're not so bad, yourself. ;)

Magnus: Ew, go flirt in private.

Alec: I stepped away for two minutes... I love you guys, you're awful.

* * *

Magnus: What can I do to improve my erection?

Alec: Okay, I'll bite. What about it needs improving?

Jace: You'll bite? How is that going to improve his erection?

Clary: Alec, Magnus... You two should get a room. So you can bite each other.

Magnus: Anything Alexander does with his mouth would improve my erection

Izzy: Guys... Ew.

Alec: ...

Magnus: ;)

Clary: ...

Simon: ...

Jace: ...

Magnus: :D

* * *

Alec: Isabelle is being a pill.

Alec: Wait.

Alec: Oh fuck.

Alec: I didn't mean to say this in the group chat. Send help.

Clary: Good luck, Alec!

Magnus: Alexander! Run!

Jace: Run away and never look back.

Magnus: Alec? Are you okay?

Simon: Are you alive?

Izzy: Alec can't talk right now.

Clary: Oh snap.

Jace: Go easy on him.

Magnus: I'm coming over.

* * *

Magnus: She was throwing darts at him.

Jace: Of course she was.

Alec: Thank you, Magnus...

Magnus: Any time, Babycakes.

Alec: She had an axe.

Izzy: I was just going to scare him.

Simon: Iz...

Clary: You're kind of my hero.

Jace: Alec, do you want to stay with me until you can get a restraining order?

Alec: Yes, please.

Izzy: :D

Simon: My girlfriend is always so happy with herself when she's being a dick.

Alec: GIRLFRIEND!?

Simon: ...

Izzy: ... This wasn't how I planned to tell him, Simon.

Alec: Am I the only one who didn't know about this?

Alec: Simon, I will kill you.

Jace: I didn't know.

Clary: I knew...

Magnus: I thought it was obvious...

Izzy: Whoops.

* * *

Jace: If I asked Clary to see a movie, do you think she would say yes?

Simon: You asked that in the group chat, Jace. She's gonna see that.

Jace: Oh fuck.

Jace: Hi, Clary...

Isabelle: ASK HER. OTP.

Magnus: I ship it.

Clary:Finally!

Jace: What?!

Alec: I'm so glad I'm not the only one who accidentally messages everyone...

Simon: Yeah, who were you trying to send it to?

Jace: You...

Simon: Jace Wayland asked me for girl advice!

Jace: Well, she's your best friend. I thought you might know...

Simon: I do know.

Jace: AND!?

Simon: Ask her, idiot.

Clary: :)

* * *

Jace: SHE SAID YES.

Izzy: OTP!

Alec: Thats great!

Clary: I diiiiid.

Magnus: Izzy, do you know what this means!?

Izzy: Clary, we're going shopping!

Simon: Your taste in men is questionable.

Jace: Go away, Semen!

Jace: Simon* sorry.

* * *

Magnus: How many cats constitutes as being married?

Clary: Seven.

Isabelle: I agree. Seven seems good.

Alec: Why do you ask?

Magnus: My mom said I could get a mannequin modeled as Ryan Gosling when I'm married.

Clary: Why would you want that?

Magnus: Why wouldn't anyone want that?

* * *

**Okay... I'm done. That's all. Bye guys.**

**-IWriteNaked**


	3. Phallic Alec

**You did it, BL&amp;A+Joe. You made it. Congratulations.**

**Here's another random compilation of TMI group texts. You're welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments, I just have funny conversations and Brohomie happens…**

* * *

Isabelle: Guys, Clary is telling me I'm going to die because I can't swim.

Clary: YOU ARE.

Isabelle: I DON'T LIVE NEAR WATER, CLARY. If there's a giant tsunami or some shit, I'd die anyways.

Clary: You do live near water!

Isabelle: It's miles away! I'm not going to fall into the ocean!

Clary: Yes you are.

Isabelle: I'm really not.

Clary: You are!

Simon: Laughing at this whole conversation about bodies of water and dying right now. It's hilarious.

Isabelle: I AM NOT. I live way up here on high ground. I will not fall into water and die.

Clary: YOU WILL DROWN.

Isabelle: You're going to feel like shit if that's how I die…

Clary: I'll probably just laugh and be like "Told you so."

Isabelle: You are a shitty friend.

Alec: This conversation is my life.

Isabelle: I hate you guys.

* * *

Jace: Magnus, where the hell are you?

Isabelle: The movie starts in ten minutes.

Magnus: Alec is taking his sweet ass time.

Alec: Magnus!

Magnus: Emphasis on the sweet ass.

Jace: Safe!

* * *

Jace: Jordan Kyle just offered to "spoon me like an armadillo."

Clary: Say yes, and let me watch.

Jace: I'm pretty sure he was serious.

Isabelle: You can't take Jordan seriously, just as a general life rule.

Magnus: I have done cocaine out of Jordan's belly button. I take him very seriously.

*Simon Lewis has added Jordan Kyle to the conversation*

Simon: Hi Jordan!

Jordan: Hey guys!

Jordan: Jace, have you considered my offer?

Clary: He accepts!

Jace: Clary!

Clary: I get to watch.

Jordan: That's reasonable.

Jace: Why would you do this to me, Clary…

Jordan: Clary, I'll pick you up in half an hour and we'll head to Jace's house together.

Clary: Carpool. Going green. I like it.

Jace: You're evil.

* * *

Jace: They really just showed up at my house. I locked the door.

Clary: I have a key.

Magnus: Clary, take pictures for us.

Simon: Spoon him extra hard on my behalf, Jordan.

Izzy: Simon…

Simon: That sounded gay.

Clary: I loved it.

Simon: No homo…

Magnus: Full homo.

Jordan: Yes homo. Also, Jace is hiding from me.

Clary: Come out, Jaaaaace…

Jace: Never.

Jordan: But I miss your body.

Jace: LEAVE.

Clary: We just want to cuddle…

Jordan: I have a boner.

Jace: Kill me. It's time.

Jordan: Killin' you with dis dick.

Alec: Oh my God.

Clary: *fans self*

Jace: NO.

Clary: He's hiding in the bathroom. Probably doing his hair.

* * *

Jace: He really spooned me. I'm ready to die.

Clary: I'm sending the pictures.

Jace: DELETE THEM.

Clary: NEVER.

* * *

Alec: You guys messaged all night. It was 4 in the morning!

Magnus: Hahahaha

Alec: 4!

Clary: Can't you silence your phone?

Alec: I did…

Magnus: I didn't. He's here. In my bed. Naked.

Alec: -.-

Magnus: Silence is for losers.

Alec: Do you see how he treats me?

Jace: Sorry we woke you up. I owe you.

Alec: I'll forgive you when I have had caffeine.

Simon: I would give you mine, but… I'm across town.

Alec: BRING IT TO ME.

Izzy: This conversation is making my morning. Hi Alec!

Simon: I'm going to send it in the mail, so he can forgive me.

Alec: Plz do.

Alec: It's the only way to earn my forgiveness.

Simon: I can't live peacefully until I do.

Jordan: Hah, Alec.

Simon: I woke him up.

Alec: At 4!

Jordan: 4 AM? Party foul.

Clary: Alec, don't say "plz." You sound like a 13 year old girl.

Jace: Hahahahaha. It's great.

Clary: Also, I'm sorry that you're the only one sleeping at 4 in the morning. Loser.

Jordan: We were bonding!

Alec: We live in darkness and night.

Jace: My phone keeps changing Alec to Phallic, when I try to use the voice thing that listens to you and types out what you said.

Izzy: Mine too!

Alec: What?

Alec: Alec.

Alec: Alec.

Alec: Alec.

Alec: Works fine.

Izzy: Our phones must know something we don't…

Alec: t(-.-)/

Jace: It's because he's a penis.

Izzy: I'm at the doctor's office, waiting to go in. And I'm so thankful that I am alone, because I can't stop laughing.

Izzy: Alec is phallic.

Alec: The nurse is like "Oh boy, another crazy one."

Magnus: Shhhhhh.

Alec: Magnus beats me.

Izzy: I'm just going to sit back and watch.

Alec: 119 llac

Alec: Read it backwards. It's in code.

Alec: He's hurting me.

Izzy: Hahahahaha.

Simon: No one will help you.

Jace: That's true.

Clary: We stick by Magnus's side.

Jordan: Closer than bothers.

Alec: HE HAS A KNIFE.

Magnus: I really do.

Izzy: Jesus. Haha

Jordan: This is life.

Magnus: I'm enjoying myself.

Izzy: I'm glad you are.

Simon: I'M enjoying myself. I should have popcorn. This is so entertaining.

Magnus: Alec is laughing at me because I said it's the middle of the night.

Alec: It's 8 AM!

Jace: Magnus has a knife? Yeah, I mean, he cut someone once.

Magnus: I did cut a bitch.

Magnus: He cried and bled.

Alec: Magnus is trying very hard to tell you guys embarrassing things about me, but I took his phone.

Izzy: Tell us, Magnus!

Alec: He went back to sleep.

* * *

Simon: You guys.

Clary: Yes?

Simon: You know when you're sleeping…

Simon: And you lay on your arm

Simon: And you wake up and it's completely numb.

Simon: And you're like

Simon: "Where is my arm?"

Clary: I know it all too well.

* * *

Izzy: Max just got so excited that Gnomeo and Juliet were alive that he did a happy dance, yelled "Yay!" and hugged me.

Alec: Oh my God, Max.

Izzy: He's great.

Jace: It's the little things in life that matter. –Max

Jace: A direct quote.

Izzy: I'm sure he said that.

Jace: He told me this as a comfort, because I was very sad that I haven't heard from my lover, Jordan, in a while…

Clary: And you talked to Max about it? XD

Jace: I did.

Jace: Because Alec kept blowing me off? Yes, that sounds right…

* * *

Izzy: The first time we talked Clary asked me for nudes, and that's when I knew: Best friends…

Clary: She sent the nudes though.

Izzy: Well, we are best friends… So yeah, it happened.

Izzy: Because you tricked me into it, just like you tricked Jace out of his virginity. Sex brain…

Clary: I can't help myself.

* * *

**I have too much fun. Thanks to the Brown Lesbians and Doofus for the inspiration (And by inspiration, I mean that I just altered our real conversations a little to fit here, because it was DeathCabForMari's goal in life to be in Brohomie, and here she is, talking about nudes and abuse and Max's love for Gnomeo and Juliet.)**

**All the love to my Parabatai, DeathCabForMari.**  
**My beta, rippingbutterflywings (who I didn't send this to, oops)**  
**My homegirl, spikeyhairgood.**  
**And my best friend, Doofus/Joe the Hoe/the Brown One… Who will never see this, because stay away from my fanfiction if I know you in real life...**

**-IWriteNaked**


	4. The Time Jace Was Inside A Unicorn

**I can't stop. It's a disease.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments. I didn't even make these conversations up. I just participated in them, and changed the names.**

* * *

*Isabelle has changed the group name to Yes Homo.*

Jordan: :D

Isabelle: It felt right.

Jace: I'm not sure about that one…

Alec: I thought it was funny.

Jordan: I'm a fan.

Jace: Of course, homoism is your expertise.

Jace: By the way, I leave to California this Friday night…

Isabelle: Boo, you who're.

Isabelle: Whore*

Isabelle: Fucking autocorrect, ruining my insults…

Jordan: Well, fuck you too, queer ass little bitch. Nobody loves you here, anyways… FUCK YOU. :'(

Alec: Now you've hurt Jordan.

Isabelle: Look what you've done, Jace…

Alec: t(-_-)/

Isabelle: ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Jace: Izzy, that is the…best emoji ever. I'm adding that to my notes, to use often.

Isabelle: Yesssssss.

Jace: I'm sorry, guys, but I have to go to school, and I just need a break from my yard. It's hard when you don't get along with anyone in your family, and never have a place to live for longer than a few days at a time. I need a break, and I've got a place to live there. I'm going to miss you guys.

Isabelle: I understand. It just sucks.

Alec: We love you, Jace.

Isabelle: We'll just have to come visit you.

Jace: Yeah, I know. I love you guys, too. I'm sorry again.

Isabelle: We all love you. Except Jordan, who is now broken.

Jace: I'm sorry, Jordan… I'll let you touch my butt, if you want.

A: … Dude. Don't prostitute yourself like that. He will stick it in… You've opened the proverbial door.

Isabelle: He really will stick it in…

Jace: I'm joking! Calm down. I just thought I would give Jordan the thought of being happy. I'll just make sure there's a wall between us.

Isabelle: Sure, give him happiness and then rip it away…

Alec: Right? Wow, Jace…

Jordan: Well, you could stay with me and I can fuck you on a regular basis, and no one has to know…

Alec: At least blow him.

Isabelle: At the very least… Minimum…

Alec: Right.

Jace: I'm not going to blow him, but I've got a friend who would be happy to help… I'll give him a call.

Isabelle: You can't leave your lover behind.

Jordan: I only go queer for Jace.

Jace: He's more than willing…

Jordan: Won't work. It's only you or the pussy for me.

Isabelle: Ew. Don't use the P word.

Isabelle: Hate.

Isabelle: H8.

Jordan: You've been inside a unicorn, which is why I believe you are sexually gifted.

Magnus: HE WAS INSIDE A UNICORN?!

Alec: I had a stuffed unicorn… I cut a hole in the butt, and dared him to fuck it.

Jace: It was great for me.

Isabelle: We all need to hang out one last time…

Jordan: A blowjob with an audience is in order.

Jace: We could hang out Thursday evening.

Jace: Audience blowjob? No agreement, sorry.

Isabelle: Party pooper.

Jordan: They want to watch, Jace.

Isabelle: We really do.

Jordan: We have a bet on whether or not you ejaculate rainbows…

Jace: …

Isabelle: We know he ejaculates rainbows. We have a bet on which colors are included.

Jordan: We all need to see you ejaculate.

Jace: I'll send you a video.

Isabelle: Thank you.

Isabelle: Request: Use the unicorn.

Jordan: Please…for us…

Jace: Probably not…

Isabelle: He totally still has it.

Alec: At least let us have the unicorn for smelling purposes…

Isabelle: Oh God.

Jordan: I'll fuck it if I see it…

Isabelle: Same.

Jace: You guys are terrible.

Alec: You're welcome.

Isabelle: You love us.

Isabelle: Almost as much as you love the unicorn.

Isabelle: ALMOST.

Isabelle: But not quite.

* * *

**This one is for David (appearing as Jace), John (appearing as Jordan), and Joe the Hoe (Appearing as Alec, while I appear as Isabelle…) I love you and this conversation killed me. You made it into Brohomie for the second time. (Third for Joe!) That's an accomplishment, if you ask me…**

**Leave us the unicorn, Dave…**

**-Ashtray**

**PS: I'm working on Reckless Abandon, and I'm sorry it's taking so long. I've had so many personal emergencies lately, I just haven't had the energy to work on it, but it's in progress now and will hopefully be up soon. Sorry! I love you guys.**


End file.
